Ditch the Drama: Be Authentically You and Lead Like a Boss

Hello and welcome to the show. Before we begin, the usual warnings because this is an out and about episode so expect to hear from noise from the background. Also my sore throat is getting worse just in case there's more sniffling and hacking and all of that. Then also another apology for today because we should be getting back on topic and we should be dealing with objections that people give in business. Those are reasons why reasons that people give are not wanting to go ahead, reasons why people say they don't want to do business with us or continue with a specific project or an agenda or whatever.

And one of those that we've tackled so far, I think we've only tackled one. I'll have to check my list. I think we've tackled the most popular money objection and that's when people say I can't afford it or you are too expensive. So this is your first time of listening to the show. I think this should be the second episode after that. So if you skip back two episodes, you'll be able to get some framework, some perspectives on what to do when you have a nice juicy potential customer, you think it's going to be a sweet deal and you've sent over the proposal, the e-mail, the DM, the whatever it is, and then the person replies you're too expensive, I can't afford it, blah blah blah.

So that should give you some ideas about how you should go about handling that. So like I said today, I'm going to make a detail. I'm not going to continue with the other list of the objections. And that's because I saw something on LinkedIn and because, well, OK, well, I have female friends who are in the business who are self-employed and also have female friends who happen to work in other organisations. You know, you work in the bank,

you work in the ministry, you know, that sort of thing. And of course I also have aunties and cousins and I saw something on LinkedIn that I think lots of women struggle with. So I figured, let me just hop on and make an episode on that real quick. And that is this whole thing of women being in leadership positions. And then they get tired because they're feeling like they're inauthentic, like they have to show up at work or they have to show up in business in ways that are not authentic to them.

And after a while, they get, they just get tired of pretending. So First off, my sympathies to my mother's, my sisters, my aunties, my cousins, my female friends. I was speaking in a universal sense here, that I can understand what it is that you're going through, because it's not easy showing up in an environment where you feel like you can't let your hair down, you can't be yourself. And in fact, I think part of the reason why I've taken the business trajectory that I have so far was precisely because of these sorts of issues.

I grew up as a fun loving, sometimes adventurous, stubborn or rebellious, depending on who you're talking to. Kind of child. And for some reason I didn't take a liking to wearing shoes and I decided to study law and I showed up in Obafa ME Awolowo University. That's the greatest university on the African continent because of their world renowned law faculty. So I showed up there happy and ready to begin my study of law only to be slammed with dress restrictions.

You have to wear shoes. You have to wear black and white, white shirt, black trousers, need to wear ties, need to wear shoes. And looking back now, you know, I'm wondering, like, what was I thinking? You know, it should have been obvious, Like, everybody else in Nigeria knows that if you're studying law, that's just what you do. You wear shoes, you wear trousers. Yeah, You wear shirt, you wear tie. And so I struggled with the dress ethic on on that part.

You know, that whole thing of feeling like it was not authentically me and all that. And even before I finished law school, I was thinking that if anything, I'll be more of a solicitor rather than an advocate so that I could show up to the office and wear my Ankara or whatever it is, maybe once in a while, dress up and go to court. So the point I'm just trying to make is I know first hand what it is, what it feels like, like,

OK, I'm going into this environment and I'm going to be there from 7:30 and I'm going to be there until 5:00. And while I'm there, I have to fit in. I have to pretend to be what I'm not. Now of course I'm not going to make light of the issues that female leaders face in business, because being a female leader in male dominated environments come with his own peculiar sort of challenges that even if I can't understand on an intellectual level, I'm not going to be able to understand in in an emotive way, in an emotional way.

But please, I beg of you, my sisters, cousins, aunties, friends, you know, female listeners listening to the show. Please, I beg of you that whatever I say here, do not take it as mansplaining. I'm not mansplaining. It's just that, you know, I've had a conversation with my mum, conversations with my aunts, conversations with my Big Sisters, but I don't have any biological Big Sisters. But of course I have women that I'll I'll regard as big sis about these sorts of things.

And there are a couple of what I say. Should I say misconceptions or assumptions that are going on out there that make things much more difficult than they need be. So please, when you hear this episode, my dear female listeners, please do not assume that I am mansplaining. Just think of me as your son, just like the son who would talk to his mother, because I've had these conversations with my mom. Think of me as your nephew,

because as a nephew, I've had these conversations with my aunties. Think of me as your boyfriend, because I've had these conversations with people that I've dated in the past. Although now I'm happily married, so maybe you shouldn't be thinking of me as your boyfriend, but you get the whole idea. Think of me as your son, your younger brother, your colleague, your brother in church, whatever it is. So I'm not mansplaining.

But please, if at any point you think that my tone is inappropriate, then I always give out my contact details at the end of the show. So yeah, reach out to me. Let me know where it is that I went wrong so I can, you know, take dressing and be more appropriate in tone when it comes to future episodes. So are you a female leader? And you're tired of being inauthentic? Like I said, the number of poor assumptions that come into this.

And one of those assumptions is, you know, for some reason, female folks seem to think that you have to change your personality when it comes to work or business. Now, there are some guys who have those assumptions as well. Like, you know, you're a joker. You're the life of the party and everything, But you work in Zenith Bank. 8:00 AM You get to Zenith Bank. You button up, you suit up, you tie up. And then you leave all that joking at home.

Leave all the joke outside. Then you're in the office. And you have to be serious, you know, because you work inside his bank and you are no guy. You're a big boss. You can't be acting like a fool. So yeah, I understand men have that thing. Women have that thing too. But women particularly feel that pressure. Now there's a poor assumption on the on the, on the part of, OK, let me come up with some. What's that word? Personas.

So let's say the jokester is Chukudi. Let's go with three people. Jokester is Chukudi. And then there's me, Tavi, Shima. And then there's, let's say there's a lady and let's say Chidima. OK, so Chukudi, Chidima and then me. So Chukudi is a jokester. Then there's me. I have a very, very, very, very inappropriate sense of humour. So for my mom, my wife, my friends, they keep on saying it all the time that my sense of humour is inappropriate.

It's crude. Very sexually crude. So they constantly warned me that, look, this thing you're saying is cool, but that's just because it's us here. If you say this thing outside, you're going to get lynched. So there's the jokes, Jokester Chukudi, then there's the inappropriate humor guy, That's me. And then there's Cheating Man. Let's say Cheating Man is bubbly. So we're all coming to the office or we're all coming to the business and we're assuming that we have to change our personality.

Well, First off, there's that whole thing off. We have to determine that the things that we claim to be core parts of our personality, are they really core parts of our personality? Like self identifying as a jokester, does that really have to be a core part of who you are? Or self identifying as a song with an inappropriate sense of humor does not have to be core to who you are. The bubbly thing you know does not necessarily have to be who you are.

There's that question, but I'm not going to go into that. Let's just assume that we have accepted that these are key parts of our personality and we're wondering how much of it we can bring to the work environment, how much of it we can bring to the office. So the first question would be, do you have to change your personality when showing up to the office or when you're in the business context? And the answer is no. Remember that I am tackling this thing like I tackle most issues on the podcast from a sales and business development perspective.

So Please remember that this is how sales and business development people think traditionally anyway when it comes to this matter of personality. So do you have to mask your personality? The answer is no. And that is because from a sales and business development perspective, the focus is on being relevant to whoever you are, relevant and appropriate to whoever you are. So, so long as I am diagnosing problems on point, I understand the potential customer that I'm talking to while vibing along the main issues, I can still be my quirky self, but of course I

have to be appropriate because right now we're talking business. So there absolutely is no reason why my crude sense of humor, especially when it comes to sexual matters. There's no reason why my crude sense of humour ought to come out in this context, because it is inappropriate. So you see how for sales and business development, we have a guiding principle. So Chukudi will still be able to be his rascally self so long as there's no inappropriate humour involved and so long as he's able to stay on point that we're here in the customer's house because we're trying to help the customer find a perfect solar system and inverter system.

I know what not to meet their energy needs, so joking around or huffing around would not be a problem. So long as you're respecting people's privacy, you're staying on point, you're not being too forward. So you see how these kind of restrictions apply when it comes to traditional sales and environment. And it's the same sort of thing that should apply for Chidima in the office as well. So Chidima, you don't have to change your personality if you think you're bubbly and the office is too, to like.

The office is forcing you to button up to be too stock up. Now there are times when some people have dissent, that you are in a work environment and there's a cultural clash and things like that. So in those sorts of scenarios, you know, something has got to give. You know, there's some people who leave and say, look, this thing is not just me, so there are times when you might have to descend that. But The thing is, you'll find that in most work of business situations there are going to be some restrictions around dress.

So for tavi shimmer, showing up, shoe, shirt, tie, all of that, you know it is what it is. There's a dress code. If I wanted to remain within the legal environment, it is what it is. There is just a dress code. Then there are also restrictions around propriety. So my sense of humor, I had to take dressing and I have taken dressing over the years and so I only let my hair down in quote. You know when I'm my wife, my mom, what else, you know,

cousins, you know and then I can crack the off color jokes that I normally do although it's becoming more difficult now because my boys are becoming young men. So it's not like before when there were kids where I'd say something and go over their heads, I say something. Now they pick up on that. They say dad, what do you mean? And sometimes they repeat what I say. So for those of you who have an off color sense of humour and you have kids, you know, be mindful of that.

The children are listening, so they mirror stuff. So let's let's be careful with the jokes that we tell around the house. So I was like, OK, so there are going to be restrictions around dress, around propriety, around humour, around decency. There's also going to be restrictions around respect. That's because Nigeria has a hierarchical nature of the work environment. It's just one of those things. So you're required to say good morning, Sir.

What else? You get the whole idea. You're required to. OK, you don't have to double it, but you you're required to. And for those of you who are Nigerians, you, you get the gist of what I'm trying to say. If you're not Nigerian listening to the show, you require some more nuance on that. You know, hit me up, excuse me, hit me up in the DMS and then we can talk some more about that. But you find that these sort of restrictions apply to both sexes when it comes to dress,

propriety, humor, decency, respect and all these all these other things. So an example that I'm going to give because. And this is 1 area where women feel picked on most of the time. And yes, I will admit that, yeah, there's a bit of that going on, especially in this environment because it looks like with each legislative, what do you call them When the senators that we we elect, what is it called when they come in for a A10 year or.

And I can't remember what it's called, but it looks like with each 10 year there's always someone who is proposing a bill about modesty and about how women are supposed to dress and things like that. And you know, it just gets me wondering like, you know, our senators, like why won't they just let this issue go? You guys come in and then there's always this whole thing of modesty bill. Women were dressed like this and blah, blah, blah.

I'm not saying these issues are not important, but I really think that as senators and elected representatives, you guys have so much more, bigger issues to talk about than how women dress. And I have no doubt that in the next set of senators are coming, it's also going to be an issue as well. Somebody's going to try and float that bill again. My thing is, yeah, men are also subject to those sorts of restrictions. I like to walk around a lot in jeans and in shorts and I have been evicted from 1 premises.

The government office, I won't say what the government office is because I was wearing shorts. I didn't match the dress code of the establishment. The funny thing is the shorts I was wearing were actually in Cara shorts, so I was wearing a Cara top and Cara shorts, and I figured that traditional dressing native attire is part of our work, what's it called? Official work dress in Nigeria. So I didn't think that was going to be a problem, but I was evicted from the premises.

And then another premise that I wasn't able to get entry into actually was a private establishment. And I found that really shocking and they wouldn't let me in because I was wearing shorts. I had to meet someone and I was wearing shorts. This was not in car shorts and they wouldn't let me in. What I found really perplexing was that it was a social establishment, so it's not even an office. It's not like I showed up to Zenith Bank in shorts, which I

do from time to time anyway. Why? Why do I say Zenith Bank? I don't know. For some reason that the bank that I think of the most when I'm on the mic. Zenith and Axis. So where was I? Yeah. So these things happen to men too. Yes, I have been evicted from premises because I've been wearing shorts. So there are rules that and some stricture that everybody has to abode. Sorry, no. What's that word? Abide. Yeah, abide by now.

But remember, what I said is that from a sales and business development perspective, so long as you focus on being relevant to the mission, relevant to the agenda for the call, to the agenda for the meeting or the whatever, then your personality doesn't matter. So what you should be doing really is just be free, You know, be yourself. But make sure that whenever you're speaking, whenever you're pursuing something, whenever you are trying to lend your weight behind something, you are being on point and being on agenda.

So you make sure that we are on point with the customer needs. We make sure that we're on point with the departmental agenda, with our colleagues, you know, things like that. So if you do all that, then it doesn't really matter if you're Sanguine or if you're bubbly or if you're an SU, you know, scripture union, those people that dress like mommy Gio, you know, mommy overseer or people like to dress like grammars or maybe you're young and bubbly and squealy, you know, so so long as you are on point and on agenda, then people usually tolerate all kinds of personality quirks and you being your authentic self.

So this whole thing of you have to change your personality when you get, when it's 8:00, and then switch your personality back on when it's five. There's just some poor assumptions there about what is required in the workplace. So back to the personas. So for I can't remember the names I came up with. I think I said Chukwudi, Chinima, then tavishima as me. So for Chukwudi, you can be your bubbly self and you can still be the head of the department.

You just have to be on point and you just have to be focused. You can't say you're being bubbly to the point of you guys are having a departmental meeting and you're cracking jokes, you're straying off points, you're talking about stuff that is happening on Tiktok and you know, blah blah blah, blah, that is just being plain inappropriate. You can be your bubbly self and share the meeting in a bubbly manner, so long as you're sticking to what the agenda is for the day and what you're trying to achieve as a department so you don't have to show up 8:00, put on your tie,

and oh, I'm Mr. Serious. And then 5:00 PM oh, I'm Mr. Bubbly again. No, it can be Mr. Bubbly all throughout the day. You just have to stay on point. If you're in front of a customer, what are you trying to achieve in this particular meeting? If you're in front of the department, what is the agenda for the meeting? If the meeting is over and you're sending memos back and forth, people are trying to do something like what is the point of this particular agenda,

particular thing that you are trying to achieve? As long as you stay on task, on agenda, on point, people be will be willing to tolerate a whole bunch of stuff. Now assuming that Chukudi works in Zenith Bank, there are some things that would be inappropriate. Putting smileys and emotis, sorry, not emotis, rather called emoticons. Yeah. So putting emoticons in e-mail, yeah, your your department ahead is not going to tolerate that because it's a bank.

But there's nothing to say that because you work in a bank and your departmental head that all your emails have to be here. Please find attached hereto forthwith, hitherto pending meeting last held on June 23rd, 2023. Please find here forthwith for your consideration PDF attached. There's nothing that says you have to talk that way. Now of course, if you're in legal circles, there are times when the hitherto and all those things have to be used because they convey a technically precise meaning.

And maybe if you're an engineer, there are times when you have to use precise words. But for Chukwadi, who works in Zenith Bank, it'll be sufficient to say Chair Maker. It was. I enjoyed your contributions at the last meeting that we held on 23rd of June 2004. Let me see what else In line with what we discussed on items number 123 and four, I think the next course of action should be 5-6 and seven. Please can you report on so, so,

so and so before next week, Monday. The PDF is attached to this e-mail. It can be that simple and it's it's not a problem. You haven't crossed any lines. You haven't done anything. I'm unethical. So this is a joke. With the listening to the show you can be your bubbly self. It's not a problem. And so it's also the same thing with a Chidima. If you're a Chidima and you are an SU, for instance, and you really don't feel comfortable with wearing high heels because you think it's.

I don't know. But we know how SU scriptural Union. That's how I define SU. For those of you who are not Nigerian SU or Scripture Union, that particular kind of What would I say? Should I say Christian? Fundamental. I'll be Christian. Anyway, let me stop before I get into trouble. But you get what I'm trying to say. If you're an SU person, you don't like these kind of shoes, have a conversation with human resources. I'm sure that human resources won't have a problem with you coming in flats and if you'd like to get to your desk and say your prayers before you begin.

I'm sure that human resources is not going to have a problem with you saying your prayers before you begin your work, so long as you're not scabashing over the place and interrupting people. The point I'm just trying to make is that whatever you think your authentic self is, you can be your authentic self so long as when you show up, you try to be appropriate to the situation. You try to stay on task, you start, you try to stay on brand,

you try to focus on the agenda that needs to be achieved. So from a sales and business development perspective, if you do that you'll be absolutely fine. And that's one of the reasons why in my trainings, whether online or live, I tell people that, look, you don't have to change your personality, you don't have to be me. So apart from my off colour humour I've been told that I have the I have the the sense of style and the personality of a Ghanaian school teacher.

Now for those of you who are listening to the show who are Ghanaians, you know, no offence and I'm not quite sure what that means but it's something that I've been told by a few people. So if you're the for me the the formal stuffy kind of person and that's what you prefer, that's what you that's who you think you are whether you're a man or a woman then please continue that way you don't have to change. I'm talking now, particularly when it comes to sales.

So a stuffy person can succeed in sales, a bubbly person can succeed in sales, a shy person can succeed in sales, an extroverted person, an introverted person, a Sanguine, A Columbic, a Gemini, a Taurus, a whatever. We can all be successful in sales and selling. We don't have to change our personality, and I think that within limits. The same thing applies to a worker in the business environment as well. So if you're a female leader and you're tired of being inauthentic, there's nothing that forces you in most work environments to to pretend to be someone that you're not.

Please note I said most work environments. I'm assuming that if you're in the military, I'm assuming that you know, jokes and bubbliness and all that has to be kept to a minimum. So I don't know how things work in the military, but if you work in the Ministry of Finance, you're a businesswoman, you work in Zenith Bank, you work in Axis Bank or whatever, then you don't have to hide your authentic self. So long as the focus is always on the customer, the focus is always on the agenda, and the focus is always on being appropriate to the situation,

then you can let your personality shine through. And you don't have to end up in nothing where you show up to work, you're angry and everything, but then you get home. You're with your husband and your kids, or you're not married, but you get home and you know, you chill with Netflix and I feel like, oh, now I'm me. Now I can relax. So you don't have to be authentic. You don't have to lie, you don't have to be somebody else.

So it's been about 25 minutes. Then we bring this thing to a close. So this is the reason why I made the detour because like I said, been having lots of these conversations, especially now that I'm older. You know, when you're a kid, people don't talk to you, but then you grow older and then you start having some interesting conversations with your mum, with your aunties and with your uncles and you know, it's it's really interesting.

So for those of you who are like me, who are coming of age now and your uncles and aunties are having some mature conversations with you, you know, please engage. You get to learn some more about family dynamics. Of course, that also reflects a little bit about who you are and it helps give you some wisdom and some understanding about how things run. OK, anyway, let me stop. So tomorrow I'm going to stay on course. I've done two episodes that are detours.

So for those of you who are listening to, if yesterday and today was the first time I've listened to the podcast episode, don't worry, we're usually on point. We're usually on focus when it comes to this podcast because we have over 830 episodes so far and I can count on one hand the number of times that I have spoken about some of something else. So I made two podcast episodes on the around some time when Nigeria was experiencing some political upheaval that was the the SARS revolt 1000 people are voting against police.

I made two SARS episodes. I've done one episode now about authentic female expression in the workplace and I think I did one yesterday where I spoke about whether God is lying with people. Yeah, so over 830 episodes and I've only deviated on 4. So if you came here for the business, don't worry. Tomorrow we're getting back to the business. So thank you very much for your time and attention. I'll catch you guys at the next episode.

Remember to connect with me on WhatsApp. The phone number is 08064662140. The country code is +234. For those of you who are not Nigerian, then connect me on LinkedIn. My name is Tavishima Ayeda. I'm the host of the show. Hopefully by tomorrow my sore throat should be better, but if it's not I'll just hook up anyway and give a recording. Except if I've gotten to the point where I'm now sounding like a scratchy toad or something.

So thanks for your time and attention. I'll catch you guys on the next episode.